Still Flying Solo

As hard as it is for me to believe, dear friends, today marks 20 years that I’ve been divorced. I don’t celebrate divorce, of course—I actually hate divorce—but every year since mine, I have thanked God for his endless mercies to me.

Certainly, I didn’t plan on flying solo for 20 years. I figured I would marry again at some point, but, as you can see, I haven’t made that leap yet. I can’t pinpoint exactly why. I’ve had charming suitors who made me laugh, sent me flowers and wooed me with gracious words. I even experienced love’s intoxicating rush one enchanted summer. But marrying again remains low on my proverbial to-do list.

A few months back I had lunch with a perfect gentleman. Nice-looking. Good catch. In the course of our conversation, the subject of finding love later in life came up, and I told him that marrying again at my age scares the bajeebies out of me. So many risks. So much baggage. We both laughed, but I wasn’t kidding, and I’m pretty sure he marked me off as being a bit weird. And that’s OK. I’m probably a whole lot weird. I’m also strong, secure and pretty much fearless. And by “fearless,” I don’t mean that I’ve killed two snakes and lizards no longer scare me. I mean my faith has grown bigger than my fear.

It didn’t happen overnight, of course. In the beginning, I stumbled through a million dark places and spent countless sleepless nights, worrying about tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. But it was those scary dark places and those many sleepless nights that taught me to lean on my Creator. The one who knows me best. The one who loves me most. My soul’s true mate, you might say. And it’s only through him that I am strong, secure and pretty much fearless. A song I recently wrote says: “He’s been my strength year after year. My Comforter through heartache and tears. So, no matter what will be, I know I’ve got him, and he’s got me.” In reality, God’s love is the only love we can totally depend on through thick and thin, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. And best of all, he’s promised us a happily ever after if we stay faithful to the end.

So, will I ever marry again? I don’t know. Anything is possible, I suppose, but I'll have to want to first. Until then, I’m killing snakes, staring down lizards and living my best life now.

"For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content," Philippians 4:11.